The Chore Chart

Want to have a more equitable division of domestic responsibilities? A chore chart could be for you.

Photo courtesy of Photo by Helena Lopes at www.pexels.com

Most of us are aware that despite calls for gender equity in society and some steps forward that women still do a majority of the housework. Domestic chores like caring for the home and people in the family predominantly falls to women despite many of them being in full-time employment as well. This happens even when we're earning a majority of the household’s income.

On the surface, this seems like something that would be easy to address. Men step up and start assuming 50% - or more – of the household chores. But it’s not that easy as I learned when my partner and I peeled back the many layers of the onion that is domestic work to discover how traditional gender roles have planted in both him, and me, barriers to that happening.

For context, let me say that I am a white, straight, cisgender woman who is married to a white, straight, cisgender male. We have a wonderful Labrador and no children. We both have full-time jobs, a variety of interests, and lots of extended family. To put it another way, we are incredibly fortunate and privileged - and up to our eyeballs in traditional gender expectations when it comes to our home and family.

We both lived abroad for the majority of our lives and jobs, where we frequently had housekeepers or cleaners, so when we started living together, we never figured out who would do what because the house was always clean and the laundry was always done.

Then, we relocated to the UK and almost immediately, with no discussion or overt decision we instantly adopted the gendered domestic roles of the society we had grown up with and were surrounded by. I planned the meals, bought the food and cooked it. He did the dishes. I managed how the house looked and he kept the car running.

One day, after having shopped and made dinner, my husband announced that he was, “tired of doing dishes and would like to just have a night off.” “Oh, really,” I said. “Are you? Well some nights I’m a little ‘tired’ of cooking.”

This resulted in an argument conversation out of which we decided we needed to divide up the chores in a way that was equitable for both of us. It took some time, but the end result is what we affectionately call "the chore chart." It hangs on our refrigerator similarly to how kids' chore charts do. Here’s what we did.

Step 1

We set aside some time to sit down and discuss the tasks that need to be done to keep our lives running smoothly. I didn't want our conversation to revolve around me nagging him or acting as the "manager" of the house. He wasn't "helping me out" or seeking special gratitude for taking on half of the work. We started by just making a list of everything we could think of that keeps our lives running smoothly, including dishes, laundry, cleaning various rooms, watering plants, paying bills, dealing with accountants, changing the bedsheets, cleaning the car, picking up dog poop, walking the dog, washing the dog, and mowing the lawn. EVERYTHING. When I've done this exercise with friends who have kids, kid-related items like cleaning school uniforms, bringing kids up from school, etc. are also included on the list. It's crucial to avoid thinking of a task as "my work" or "your job" while preparing the list. They are simply tasks that must be completed. They are no one person's 'job'. Who does them comes later.

I also had to admit that, despite the fact that my mental to-do list was longer than his, he was doing things that I, a resident on martyr mountain, hadn't stopped to acknowledge or value. Yes, my car was always filled with fuel. Yes, the insurance on it got paid. Yes, the lawn got mowed. The chore chart helped me to see how much my partner was doing that I was unaware of, or never acknowledged because I'm so busy doing "everthing".

The important bit about Step 1: Making a joint list makes the invisible visible. It also takes domestic tasks off of the shoulders of the person who normally does them and puts them into a third, neutral space.

Step 2

Now that you have listed all of the things you can think of that needs doing you can remove items from the main list. Take all items off the list that ONLY one of you can do for some specific reason. WARNING: Make sure that they are things that only one of you can truly do. For example, my folding the towels better is absolutely not a reason for laundry to become a 'Kelsey' task. And 'I can't cook' is not a reason for the task to always fall to the other person. For example, when I was doing this with my sister, she gets up early to go to work and it makes perfect sense for her to drive the kids to school, on the other hand, her husband gets home late and it makes sense for him to prepare the lunches/backpacks for the next day. Fine. Take those off the list and assign them permanently to one person or the other. Assigning specific things to specific people is not about who likes the task more or who does it better. If there are things that you jointly decide can only be done by one or the other of you then add something that the other person will permanently do so your named lists are equal-ish.

Remove everything from the list that, for one reason or another, only one of you can perform. Make sure they are something that only one of you is genuinely capable of performing. For instance, the fact that I fold towels more neatly in no way justifies laundry becoming a "Kelsey" task. And if someone says,"I can't clean toilets well" doesn't mean that the duty should always be performed by someone else.

When I was doing this with my sister and her husband, for instance, she gets up early to go to work, so it makes perfect sense for her to drive the kids to school; but, we then thought about named task could her husband take on that is roughly equivalent. We decided her husband comes home later, so it makes sense for him to pack the lunches/backpacks for the following day. Fine. Remove those from the list and give them to one person or the other permanently. It is not about who enjoys the task more or who performs it more skillfully when certain tasks are assigned to specific persons but there being a stated reason why that person should always do that task.

The important bit about Step 2: Because of our differences, our partnerships are stronger. Building on this, it makes sense to acknowledge that there are good reasons why one individual needs to take on a particular task all the time. Equality is created by assigning the other person a permanent, equal task.

Step 3

Hopefully, there are not too many things on the lists that only either of you can do and a long list of things that need to be done. Now, your job is to create two lists. We tried to make the lists as equitable as possible. For example, we thought making dinner was pretty equitable to doing the dishes so each of those go on different lists. Not all the jobs are going to have an obvious opposite but you’d be surprised. You can divide the list first by things that have to happen daily, weekly or monthly and then spread them out onto two lists.

There shouldn't be too many tasks on the lists that only one of you can complete, and a long list of things that still need doing. Now, you make two lists. We made an effort to balance the lists as much as we could. For instance, we considered doing the dishes and preparing dinner to be fairly equal tasks, so one went on one list and one went on the other. Not every job will have a clear opposite, but you'd be surprised. If you're struggling here, you can first divide the big list into items that must occur daily, weekly, or monthly, and then separated onto two lists.

The important bit about Step 3: REMEMBER, these are not his/her lists. They are not mine/your lists. They are just TWO lists that anyone can do. This forces us to mentally let go of ownership and, ahem, control.

Step 4

You determine how frequently you will change lists. This is where the magic happens. There is a time limit, which can be one week, one month, whatever. You complete everything on one list and your partner will complete everything on the other during your agreed period of time. Then, you'll switch.

The important bit about Step 4: There's a built in psychological trick here. Give me one list all the time and I guarantee you I will grow to feel that my list is longer, harder and I'm sick of it. With this method, just when I'm getting tired of cleaning the dishes and letting the dog out at night the month is up and I'm in charge of the laundry and cleaning the bathroom. Every month is just enough, in our experience, to make you sick of what you're doing and want to change.

Step 5

Decide when you’re going to start and go for it!

Step 6

You may not need this step but most people do. During the first period of doing this you'll remember lots of things you're also doing that weren't on the initial list. Fine. Keep an eye on those and at the end of the first period have a check in. How did it go? Do either of you need additional help in knowing how to do anything? Are there any additional items that should be split between the two lists? Which list should they go on?

After the initial period, there are usually a number of things that each of you will have thought, 'well, it goes without saying...' For example, "it goes without saying that if your task is to get the car washed that means both the inside and outside of the car." Or, "it goes without saying that if you do the dishes you'll wipe down the counters." Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING goes without saying. Simply have another discussion and choose which list the new things should be added to or if specific tasks need to be agreed and clarified.

The Magic of the Chore Chart

Does this work? Largely, yes. I LITERALLY only do half of the chores that our life together requires. Is it seamless? No. Have we discovered some things along the way? Yes. Let's talk about some of them.

1. Different things which make our life run are important to each of us differently. I don’t care if the bed is made every day. He cares a lot. He doesn’t care if we have no living house plants in the house. I care deeply. When constructing the list, you need to put everything on there that is important to both of you – even if it’s not important to you. I want a life where he’s happy because he gets a made bed every day and he wants me to be happy because our house plants are alive. If there is something that is your personal hobby, quirk, desire that your partner truly isn't involved in and doesn't care about it's ok for that to remain for you to do alone.

2. The chart needs to be renegotiated. When you move into a new time in your life – like kids get older, you get a pet, or you move house – you’re going to need to change list. My husband and I moved during covid and once again I ended up with 10,000 things on my mental list that weren’t on the chore chart so we had to stop and renegotiate. Any person at any time can ask for a renegotiation. If one partner is pregnant, or sick, gets a new job with different demands, or needs to care for elderly parents it makes sense to renegotiate.

3. Your partner will not do all of the tasks the way you want them done. We dealt with this by agreeing that no one is allowed to complain about the way the other person does the chores on their chore list. This is a hard one for me personally as it makes visible my own issues related to housekeeping. Society tells me that to be a good wife, sister, mother, woman that my house needs to look a certain way and that my family needs to be cared for in a certain way. Our patriarchal society tells me that our towels need to be 'properly' folded - not because it is functional - but because it reflects my value as a woman. So, when my partner folds the towels differently I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that how the towels are folded matter not one iota to me as a person or my care for my house or family. Are the dirty towels collected, washed, dried and put away? Yes. Then I am grateful. Am I worried that someone might see that they’re not folded and judge me as a person? Also yes. But this is projecting the outlandish expectations that the patriarchy has placed on me to someone else. (Do I sometimes still refold all the towels? Also yes.)

4. You can make it more fun than we have. Why not add stars to the chore chart where doing all your chores for the allotted time gets you something you want – a massage, a night out with friends, etc.

To conclude, I will reiterate how lucky we are. I'm in a relationship where both people think that the responsibilities of keeping the home should be split equally. I had to do nothing to convince my partner that it isn't divine right to be served, fed, and taken care of at home. Not everybody has this. Also, there are so many people just barely scraping by - as single-parents, as full-time carers, people with multiple jobs - who would give anything to have the time, support and companiship I take for granted.

However, I do believe that there is some magic in the chore chart by making the mental load of women visible, de-gendering what needs to be done, and therefore making it possible to share our domestic responsibiliteis more equally. I hope by doing this more and more of society will become de-gendered and gender equality will become less of a dream and more of an everyday reality.